i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
