Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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