There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
