He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
