he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
