I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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