the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
