Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
