Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
