my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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