Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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