I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
