At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
