WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
