i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
