Umm I'm too high to move.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
