My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
