i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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