but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
