I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
