we have officially lost it.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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