You're so nebulous sometimes
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Randomize
