She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize