i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
