btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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