white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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