That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
