Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
