I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
