I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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