I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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