If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
my poor anus
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize