I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
