oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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