I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
