I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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