He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
