I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
