Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
