you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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