totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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