I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
