Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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