never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize