Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
