I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I need to stop coming to work sober
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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