I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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