"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize