How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
