quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
