I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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