Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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