Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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