omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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