Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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