this boner is exhausting
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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