1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
