Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
