dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
